Let me begin by saying that BDSM is not simply about the sex. It's about the attitude, the mentality, and the emotional strength that many gain from it. It has been described as 'the thinking man's sex' and i have to say i agree, not least because since discovering the BDSM scene during the summer of 2007 i'm a lot more 'alive' both in and out of the bedroom. Something about BDSM (and specifically, Dominance and submission) really speaks to me. It puts me in a place where i had never been previously, and it's both hugely empowering and extremely addictive. The feelings and emotions appear to run a lot deeper, and the level of trust and respect required to engage in BDSM activities means that you're far less likely to end up hurt (either physically or emotionally), and you're far safer. And, it's bloody good fun. There are a lot of aspects to BDSM and i have neither the knowledge or the webspace to go into them all fully. Instead, i'll be talking about what BDSM is to me, and how it became an integral part of who i am.

So, what this sexual deviancy all about?! What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline / Dominance & submission / Sadism & masochism. It is a very, very broad term encomapssing all the elements of a BDSM relationship, but by no means is it a necessity for all of these elements to be included. For me personally, it's all about the D/s (Dominance & submission). I do like the bondage/discipline, but for me that falls into the D/s sextion. I'm not into the the sado-masochism part; i'm definitely not a great lover of pain for pain's sake! But, in the right head-space and with the right person, the fact that i am willing to do things even though i really don't want to is extremely liberating and very, very empowering. Which sounds totally contradictory, but i can only go on how it feels. I don't pretend to understand it - it is simply the way it is for me. There are, of course, submissives who adore pain, and wouldn't want a relationship where pain and punishment weren't a large factor. Each person is entirely unique, and as such, their needs and desires vary dramatically. It's about finding your own way. BDSM is simply the broad spectre which bands together all aspects of an alternative sexual behavioural preference.

And what does it involve?

Well it can be as simple as someone who likes to have their wrists bound or eyes blindfolded during foreplay, to someone who spends significant lengths of time naked in a cage at their Master's side, to someone who needs to be thrashed, whipped, flogged, cut, or bitten in order to get their sexual release, to someone who indulges in, say, a rape fantasy...the list goes on & on! There are no rules to BDSM; no tickboxes, no 'oh you must do this or you're not a proper BDSMer'; you do as much or as little as you're comfortable with. You find your OWN way. It's about having fun. It's about learning about yourself and your limits. It's about growing and expanding your boundaries. And it's about fantastic sex!

But i've heard bad things about BDSM...

There are many myths surrounding the BDSM community. The most apparent judgements we face is that we must be devoid of morals, must be sluts or 'easy', must be into swinging and partner-swapping, and must be desperate. Although these are all incorrect (and irritating) assumptions, they're not actually dangerous... at the end of the day people are entitled to believe whatever they like, and if someone is that closed-minded before even finding out what we're all about, then the chances are they're not the sort of person that would 'get' BDSM anyway. There is, however, a much more dangerous bias we face. And not just from our peers; from the police and other powers of authority, and even from our Government. This myth is that those people who are into BDSM are involved in abusive relationships. It is understandable how these conclusions are incorrectly jumped to; after a BDSM scene it is possible, if not commonplace, for the bottom (the person taking on the submissive role) to be bruised or marked as a result of spanking, caning, flogging, whipping, or any of the other practices included in usual SM play. Although completely consensual, to an onlooker who just sees a very obedient (ha!) submissive covered in marks and bruises with a Dominant partner, this assumption becomes all too easy to jump to. I'm not going to say that abusive relationships don't happen, but the fact is that they are no more common within a BDSM setting as they are outside of it.

So, to summarise...

I love D/s because i love the feeling of being free. Of someone taking away all the responsibility of choices and burden, even for just a short time. Giving someone your submission; allowing them the control over you for even your most basic of functions during a 'scene' (a time when a couple is 'playing' or involved in BDSM foreplay or sex) is completely relaxing. For a short time, it's all in their hands. You have no control, no burden of responsibility. It's fantastic. For me, it's about allowing yourself to be degraded, destroyed, broken...and then built back up so much stronger because of it. It's an uplifting and beautiful experience, and requires a depth of trust that is unique to BDSM couples.

Ok, i think that's the basic gist of it - for any more information please visit any of the relevent links listed on the Sites Page; they're excellent for 'beginners' and were a real life saver for me when i first found out about BDSM. Alternatively, please feel free to ask me if there's any questions you might have; CLICK HERE to email me. I don't promise to be able to help, but i'll certainly try!